A Continuation of Reflections

Only three days since John died- feels much longer since I saw him-was with him at that wonderful heartbreaking moment that we shared. I had the call at about 2 AM to say things had changed with John - I got a cab right away and was with him from about 2.45 till 6.06 when he died very peacefully- it was the first time I had been at a death- I am glad John's was the first. I sat with him and talked through the story of our life-since the first time we met.All our homes- holidays- work times- times at the theatre and cinema- times with out five much loved children and much more- I held his hand- and watched his breathing go from noisy because of his  chest- to quiet gentle then much shorter breaths- right up to the very last one. I sat till 6.14 before I got a nurse to come in and check if John was dead- I could feel my own pulse when I put my hand on his chest- but the nurse confirms that he was dead- and she kissed him-which I thought was beautiful. The staff eventually had...

To-day my beloved husband died.

Hello blog we got through Christmas eve and Christmas day it has been so hard- so emotional-so beautiful- heartbreaking and life enhancing. John sleeps mostly with an occasional wakeful moment- sometimes totally with us sometimes in another place trying to communicate from his place to our place. This week Johnny and Penny spent time with John came all the way from Cambridge and London. John came twice and on his last day before Christmas he brought a tiny tree- mini champagne- mini malt whiskies mince pies and gifts for both of us. Pyjamas for John a beautiful shawl for me. Liz called in that day and we had some reminiscing some songs some laughter ad tears. John and I played A fond kiss to John and we both cried- Johnny did not know that this Robert Burns song was James Lightbody's favourite song and John always thinks of him when he hear it- as it happens Johnny thinks of his dad when he hear it too- so it was very emotional.. for me too as I chose it as one of my de...

Yesterday we had a very emotional day . John was moved to a room on his own a few days ago-and the staff said maybe Johnny and Penny should come yesterday instead of to-day. They did come and it was very special - John rallied a bit and said some things he felt he needed to say -including that he knew the end was near- that although he was in favour of life -he accepted the inevitable ( paraphrasing) he said much more -it feels to personal for the blog- because some of it was to Penny and Johnny and not for me to share. But as you would imagine- it was great stuff with the inevitable humour there too, John is very special . I don't say this because of how I feel about him- the reaction of so many folk highlights this to me. Family ,friends ,but also the staff at Marie Curie and the other hospitals that he has been in. He is much loved and admired by those who have only known him in his illness. Penny left yesterday aware that it might be the last time she saw her beloved dad....

I am finding this season so hard as time goes on- being taken unaware by Christmas music which brings me to tears-I miss John being here joining in the preparations- also slowing me down- 'sit down woman ' a cup of tea- or a glass of wine. My friends, children and family are FANTASTIC very supportive to me and to John- yet it is a lonely road at times. All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well......

Last night I went to the hospice with Andrew and Lucy-they have been working on a secret project with John- I thought it might be a poem that John had written for the staff at various hospitals -but it was a framed picture for me -  of the sweet peas that we grew together over the summer- they were not very successful to be honest- but I managed to pick a few from time to time and put them in a glass in the bedroom where John could see them from the bed. I remember that he drew a picture of them one day in August-the month before he went in to Marie Curie. He must have had it among the papers that he took to Marie Curie because that is what he gave me last night a framed picture of the sweet peas. I am so grateful that  Andrew and Lucy were able to make this happen for John, I feel very emotional about this gift.It means a lot to me. He got some prints done so I will help him send then off  the children and anyone else he would like to send a copy to. I am deeply ...

Man was made for Joy & Woe; And when this we rightly know Thro' the world we safely go. Joy & Woe are woven fine, A clothing for the soul Devine; Under every grief and pine Runs a joy with silken twine. William Blake