A Continuation of Reflections

The last few days John has not been too well at all- a bit confused- high temperature-I just sit with him- knit- hold his hand- go for machine tea. He wakened up the other day- said " I am having a good time" then went back to sleep-he can still make me laugh. Yesterday he made me cry- he was in pain while I was there- and the staff were working hard to get him comfortable- I felt very sad and helpless. I told him I know he is tired had been through a heroic struggle and had probably had enough. he said " that was wisdom" and yes he had had enough- I told him if he had to go- it was OK with me- that I understood and that I would be OK.I wanted to say' that 'because I always regretted not saying it to my Grandfather-- when he said he wanted to go- I said no- no-stay for your 90th birthday- but he was tired had had enough he wanted to be with "his Mary" I wish I had known to say Ok go in peace. David is coming tomorrow from Hong Kong- he ha...

Hello blog I finally saw a good doctor to-day- Dr Pauline Pang. She listened to me and took me seriously- I went straight from her to have a whole battery of blood tests done- tomorrow I will take a ( s) sample to the surgery-and within a few days I will go for an internal examination. I am very grateful to her - yet her response gave me a fright. She says I should not have had diarrhoea all this time- so she is getting all the tests done to eliminate a lot of things- I go back on December 10th so I need to be patient now. She has booked me in for a double appointment. I am completely shattered worn out and had enough-I wonder how long can I go on with life as it is now- completely suspended- waiting. Johnny has been three time over the last week- one of the days we met with a humanist celebrant and a funeral director- very strange thing to do but as the family are so far flung- we need something in place for when the time comes. The celebrant Bill Dawson is lovely sensitive...

Dear Blog to-day I went to a meeting at Marie Curie with Andrew and Johnny- a meeting with the health care team who care for John. I was not sure what to expect- felt quite nervous- in fact for the last few days have had terrible diarrhoea- which has left me shattered and very low physically and emotionally. I think this condition is closely connected with fear- and fear is around- fear about John- for me -for all the children for all who love John. He has become much weaker- much less able to do things for himself. More confused. The meeting was life enhancing- such a caring capable knowledgeable team who all have great regard for John some love him I would say. I was put at ease very quickly the meeting was in one of the quiet rooms- not a conference room- we were all asked how we felt what were our thoughts our questions. Gradually with great skill we were brought to realise that John is very unlikely to come home- I am glad to know John is happy in Marie Curie in fact h...

We had a lovely day with John yesterday- Philip and I - John was in great form drank some wine with Philip had some bread and cheese with olive oil.Started a crossword-all good stuff- I think we all felt uplifted. Friday I spent the afternoon with John it was out 27th wedding anniversary- we looked at our wedding photos as did some nurses-celebrated with tea and blue riband biscuits. I really enjoyed celebrating our anniversary and Halloween-with the children - they brought us lovely thoughtful gifts from Hong Kong - I especially like the serene Buddha and the golden cat- between them they will bring us prosperity- serenity and happiness. Philip brought Lillies and sparkly- I bought scary masks- and put lovely Halloween decorations around the place. Looked great. I enjoyed the food and the wine- the medicine is kicking in and I am feeling a lot better. So to-day was a shock- John was very lost and distressed when I got there. We had a big hug then I rang for a nurse to help John i...