A Continuation of Reflections

Hi blog, Sandra loved her red kindle cover with the little torch on it :-) and the vouchers to top up with some books. We met the oncologist on Friday. Not an easy visit although they were all very good people. We went for a trip on the Mersey Ferry after ,and the sun was shining and we really enjoyed it. I felt a bit shook after the hospital.it is always good to get it over with. More x rays when we come back from Spain, the another injection,then October 19th back to the oncologist. They are very good at monitoring John and keeping it touch;  I imagine as time goes on and they are happy with progress we will settle into the three monthly appointments. I had a lovely Saturday. Andrew collected me late morning and we drove to Salford.He told me about all the things they did in Edinburgh . I loved listening to it all ,felt I was there  . I must have been about Andrew's age the last time  I was at the festival.Where does the time go? We had coffee with Phi...

Today I told Sandra that John is ill. She was great,very supportive even though she is feeling yuk with a bug. She took an interest in how I was and what I might need. I appreciate this. Nautrally if I get support from friends and family ,it makes it easier for me to support John. I will tell Matthew in Spain. As I am doing that,that wekend, Sandra will tell Jackie and Gary. I really appreciate that she is willing to do this for us. Sandra's birthday tomorrow, we will both be 63 now until 25th September. Poor mum, what a hand ful she had to cope with when Sandra was born. I am going to the opticians tomorrow to see if they can give me new glasses  to help with the imbalance. I was going to wait till I am in Spain as they have a great selection of frames and they are cheaper. But I was there today getting my specs fixed and just decided to go for it. Had a big pang for my dad yesterday, really wanted to see him again. I have those craving less now ,but wo...

Hi blog, it was mum's birthday yesterday. I felt sad and I thought about her.It was such a horrible time for her in the last years, for all of us, but mainly mum and dad. I have been feeling a little unstrung lately. I feel that I have too much to do. I am running hard to stay in the one place. I feel like getting on a plane and going somewhere.  I feel scared that I might not have a normal life again. I will have to stay in every night. We have lost the spontaneity in our lives, can't just decide to go to Fact, go out for a drink , go on the ferry.Whatever! everything is planned around how much energy John has. And I am totally fine with that and understand,but it does affect me too all this change. Will I ever just go off to Glasgow for a weekend  without making sure there is someone to care for John. I keep running out of things, because John kept an eye on milk  and things like that,and went out for them, usually while I was counselling,now I have ...

I heard from D today,he is trying to get his head round all the is going on for him.Wondering why it is all happening now. Mum and Dad both ill ,him in so far away.. He hopes to come visit us when he gets home ,and he has had time to sort his head out. I feel so much for him,for all the children. I sent him this poem,a song really that I know from when when I was young. I find it goes round and round in my head. As I get older; I get it more. When we are young we want it to be summer all the time.   For us humans there is not much growth if it is all sunshine, we need the trials and tribulations ,we grow through them. All sunshine makes a desert. What does not kill is makes us strong.Tis true. Turn Turn Turn To Everything There is a season And a time to every purpose, under Heaven A time to be born, a time to die A time to plant, a time to reap A time to kill, a time to heal A time to laugh, a time to weep To Everything There is a season And a tim...

All the children now have John's news. I am working to keep a normal  routine for John and indeed for me. John is sleeping more but the good thing is that he seems much more rested after thes leep He was so utterly shattered and still trying to live a normal life before.I could see he was distressed. He does not have to be a hero now. A week today John goes back for his first injection. Please god everything is going according to plan. I missed  a call from Ellie today ,she left a lovely message.They are heading off to France for a three week holiday which they both badly need. They have had all the worry of Maureen, Ellie's pregnancy and now John ,and that is just what I know about.I told Johnny to go off and chill.He was worried about going We don't usually see much of them and we don't want things to change that much ,not yet anyway. Lara asked for our phone number on face book,she said she would ring, not easy for one so young.David is in China. Penny...

Dad I dreamt about you two nights ago. You walked into the room ,your were about 60 and you looked wonderful. Big smile and big open arms for a hug. It was quite unusual because In the dream I  knew your were dead yet it was ok for you to be there. I have longed to dream about you pa ,so glad it has finally happened.Hope I see you more in my dreams. When I have dreamt of others who are dead; in the dream: I usually don't know they are supposed to be dead, and have felt so sad when I wakened. But this was different pa, I was so happy to see you and hug you and to be in your presence again and to see you whole again. yet I know it was a bonus as your are dead. If you somehow made that happen ,if you came to me ,maybe because I am upset, thanks pa. it really helped me feel good,gave me strength. I know this is crackers thinking , but grief and too much stress can make us a bit mad.:-) I am no exception. I saw your tree the other day ,it is looking great,I imagine the...

I feel quite tired today I have been up since 5.00 am- made two soups and veggie stew. Packed things up for the charity people to collect and repacked the desk as best I could for amazon. John has ordered a walking stick which is fab,will make life much easier for him. I got my amazon voucher from the insurance people and have ordered my camera today. The children all know now about John not being too well. It has been a very emotional time for all of us. I went to Manchester last night to talk to Philip..I am remaining calm and managing to help them hear the news. All the children I have told have been visibly shook . As Steve said to Johnny when Maureen became very ill  "this is the new normal" tis true. We all need time to adjust to it. I think it was right to tell the immediate family. I do feel better knowing I can talk freely to them.If I have to. John is a good patient, giving up control to the medics,and allowing me to take care of him ,really just fetching ...

I posted this on the wrong blog,might as well put it in the right place...   May 22nd Club Thursday, 21 June 2012 Tears and anger I have been very tearful this last two days, really miss my pa, every time I say it is much easier, I feel like I get hit by a bus. I had very vivid images of dad, felt I could reach out and touch him,almost hear his voice and smell him. Alas no, of course. I felt inexplicably angry, everything annoyed me,nothing felt right was not comfortable in my own skin. Poor John, sorry to say I took it out on him, but he does understand thank goodness. So all in all a bad few days. I am calming down now.Saw my last client till July 4th.Thank goodness. I have felt very tired since the wedding. Since dad died, we have known we had that to look forward to.Now it is all over and it feels a bit flat. I am going to Glasgow on Glasgow fair Friday for a long weekend with Sandra,. Jackie Gary and Matthew have all made it...