A Continuation of Reflections

Hi dad, John is very ill, terminally ill, not sure what the prognosis is but I can tell,  I am not sure how to live without him, and you and mum and Kintillo Drive. John has been my rock the one I tell everything to ,who has helped me through the awful time in the last few years, in fact during the last 26 years. How can I cope when he is gone. Wish you were here XXX

Today I feel very sad, my husband John is terminally ill. I am losing hope that he will get home from hospital although I have been told that this is the aim of the team! I knew that this time would come, but you are never prepared or I am not. I feel so sad I don't want to move because if I do the feelings get stirred up and I cry and crying makes me so tired and I don't want to be tired because I want to have the energy for the hospital visits, the talks with the staff, being with John, getting used to the idea  that I cannot really talk to him anymore, or lean on him or tell him how I feel. He is on his journey in another place,sometimes i get a glimpse of "my John" but mostly his is a very ill man now on a journey that is taking him away from me. It is unbearable, yet I am bearing it somehow.

Hi Pa, I bought a little hanging that says" today is a good day" it is to give me encouragement ,to help me remember that even in the worst of time, there are good moments. I talked to you at "the five trees" the other day. John is very ill, cancer in his bones as well as prostate, but the doctor says it is not "end of life" he can have pain relief and be home ,in time. I felt so happy this morning when I heard, I really want John to come home for some time. But other people seem very sad with the news, so maybe I am in denial, or they are fearful of what this means. Anyway it is how it is, I think if I can have John home here for a while, some time with him pain free in our own home, it will help us both come to terms with whatever is to come. Death ,in time. I am sad,I feel I have had too much illness and death in my life this last few years, in fact since both grans died and grandpa. I am not the same since you all left me, and god knows...