A Continuation of Reflections

KAPTAIN'S BLOG THE WRITINGS AND MUSINGS OF THE KAPTAIN SATURDAY, JUNE 20, 2009 SO MANY DIFFERENT LENGTHS OF TIME, BY BRIAN PATTEN For my late Dad, on Father’s day. How long does a man live after all? A thousand days or only one? One week or a few centuries? How long does a man spend living or dying? And what do we mean when we say: “Gone forever”? Adrift in such preoccupations, we seek clarification. We can go to the philosophers But they will weary of our questions We can go to the priests and the rabbis But they might be too busy with administrations. So, how long does a man live after all? And how much does he live while he lives? We fret and ask so many questions - Then when it comes to us The answer is so simple, after all. A man lives for as long as we carry him inside us For as long as we carry the harvest of his dreams - For as long as we ourselves live, Holding memories in common, a man lives. His lover will carry his man’s scent, his...

"For You" Just to look in your eyes again, just to lay in your arms. Just to be the first one always there for you. Just to live in your laughter, just to sing in your heart. Just to be every one of your dreams come true. Just to sit by your window, just to touch in the night. Just to offer a prayer each day for you. Just to long for your kisses, just to dream of your sighs. Just to know that I'd give my life for you. For you, all the rest of my life, for you, all the rest of my life, for you alone, only for you. Just to wake up each morning, just to have you by my side. Just to know that you're never really far away. Just a reason for living, just to say I adore. Just to know that you're here in my heart to stay. For you, all the rest of my life, for you, all the rest of my life, for you alone, only for you. Just the words of a love song, just the beat of my heart. Just the pledge of my life, my love, for you.

John is now in Marie Curie dear blog. I have mixed feelings-grateful for the rest-grateful he is there and getting great care. Sad when I look at his bed- his bath chair-his "things" The weekend was a roller coaster of feelings- John being admitted on Thursday- my birthday celebrations on Friday ,so many family here to support me and have fun with me. Rachel and Adam moving- Andrew and Lucy off to Hong Kong- I felt alone when they all left,alone and sad. But now I have adjusted to the new situation and feel quite content- cancelled work tomorrow in Chester I need time to get my head round what is going on-then I will be able to focus on work. All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well ...........and so it is.

Hello blog, 'all you need is love' sometime you need a bit more-love we have . We need better pain relief- family living closer-a bigger house reliable care........................................ As I type I can smell the aroma from the Christmas cake which is still in the oven. I find that a re-assuring smell.I love baking at this time of year - it feels right-like making soup-going to the pictures- autumn leaves.......................................................... Tomorrow we go to the Marie Curie to see if John can have a new pain relief regime for the next month-till the chemo starts.If indeed it does start in one months time. I am hoping for palliative care to be offered as another option. I feel anxious about being able to take care of John if he is unwell while he is on chemo. John knows this and knows that I will be asking questions tomorrow about where I am in all this. We have also talked about what John would like at his funeral service and...

     Sea Fever BY  JOHN MASEFIELD I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky, And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by; And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking, And a grey mist on the sea’s face, and a grey dawn breaking,   I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied; And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying, And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.   I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life, To the gull’s way and the whale’s way where the wind’s like a whetted knife; And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover, And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over.

This long journey of John's is taking it's toll on me I have to confess dear blog. I am finding it more difficult to cope with him being an invalid - I long for time alone-in the house- I enjoyed that when he used to go to London and Cambridge. I consider booking into Malmaison sometimes; and have lots of baths- lovely bedroom and a bottle of wine with a few movies. It might help- but it means someone else coming to be with John- folk say they will come. I think John is calmer when I am around-that is the thing dear blog. I think he is getting more ill-less able to cope with day to day things- hardly feels like getting up to the loo.He might well need a wheelchair tomorrow at the hospital- if he is able to go- the carer will be able to get one I am sure. I am suffering form IBS which comes and goes but this time it has been quite bad for over a week- it is not easy to treat I know- and I fake it a bit- I look look ok- can do most things- but when I eat or drink a cu...