A Continuation of Reflections

Let love find you Let love find you, for it seeks you now. Stand in the open doorway and welcome it in. This is your home - this body, that today is heavy and sad, another day will dance. Listen – even the small birds who tease wool fluff from the gravel bring messages of hope. See – even the magpies and the crows are beautiful. You will laugh again - first learn to laugh at yourself. Listen to your own prayer - answer your own question. Let life find you, for it seeks you now. Stand in the open doorway and welcome it in. Ruth Marshall, 20 April 2012

We started the May 22nd club again during Sues's visit to Castlenel. We sat in the LA every evening overlooking Carrer Mig and we drank some local wine and read passages from books and poems to each other.  These below are John's readings.   1 Sailing to Byzantium   THAT is no country for old men. The young In one another's arms, birds in the trees - Those dying generations - at their song, The salmon-falls, the mackerel-crowded seas, Fish, flesh, or fowl, commend all summer long Whatever is begotten, born, and dies. Caught in that sensual music all neglect Monuments of unageing intellect. An aged man is but a paltry thing, A tattered coat upon a stick, unless Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing For every tatter in its mortal dress, Nor is there singing school but studying Monuments of its own magnificence; And therefore I have sailed the seas and come To the holy city of Byzantium. O sages standing in God'...

 Dear dad,  this is your window and  I love it. I bought some beautiful mountain plants to live close to it ,four cost me 30 euro. I know you think I am "aff ma heed" but you are worth it dad. I emailed some pictures to Glyn today ( one of Lucy's artist's) to see if he can come up with a stained glass tile to add to the window or maybe place on the terrace close to your window. We will see what he thinks and I will let you know. I told him about your love of Glasgow and of the lochs and mountains and of course you family and asked if he thought you initials might be in the art somewhere. I have missed talking to you dad. Sandra Jackie and I talked a lot about you and we all miss you so much and we laughed and cried too. Sue was here ,you met her years ago. She lost her dad just as mum died so we also had long talks about dad's and we cried too.  Matthew let us know that apart from the caravan everything is in order ,and he will be issuing c...

I have spent most  of today and yesterday in the "Steam pipe trunk distribution venue"  which is our cellar /office in Castlenel Castalla. I have thrown out five big sacks of rubbish,some things we brought from Ireland and have not needed. It is a big job and very satisfying. I have come through the deep sadness and find I have more energy now. I had my hair done last night which gave me a boost.CuT blow dry and eyebrows plucked. 25 euro- great price.Good work too. Today John got Philip's old PC going which is great if it keeps going ,as I don't have to share the netbook with John all the time. I am listening to Radio 4 as I work away. I heard from Susan today a lovely long newsy email. It will soon be the 2nd anniversary of Gavin's death. Susan is amazing , she keeps going ,of course she misses Gavin so much it hurts,but she work in two jobs, is learning Spanish,gardens,sees a lot of her friends, and has fun times with her lovely grandchildren. I have be...

The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul Douglas Adams Chap1 It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression 'As pretty as an airport'. Airports are ugly. Some are very ugly.Some attain a degree of ugliness that can only be the result of a special effort. This ugliness arises because airports are full of people who are tired, cross and have just discovered that their luggage has landed in Murmansk. (Murmansk is the only known exception in this otherwise infallible rule) and architects have on the whole tried to reflect this in their designs. They have tried to highlight the tiredness and crossness motif with brutal shapes and nerve jangling colours, to make effortless the business of separating the traveller from his or her luggage or loved ones, to confuse the traveller with arrows that appear to point at the windows, distant tie racks or the current position of Ursa Minor in the night sky,and wherever possible to expose the plumbing...

"Helen Collins " I hear my name being called by a quiet calm nurse wearing a dark blue uniform. I lay down my little ring back pad,the one I had been writing my affirmations in. " I am safe" "all is well" "everything that is happening is happening for my highest good" "my healing powers are operating on maximum power" I walk down the corridor past other waiting people. Some are reading ,some are listening to I players,some are drinking coffee out of brown cardboard cups. The nurse says "I want to test your eyes;" I have to cover my eye with one hand and read the letters on the lit up test board with the other eye. I realise I am wearing the wrong glasses.I feel a flicker of panic. I take a slow deep breath and go ahead covering first my right eye then my left. I do OK right down to the last two lines then I just take a guess. The calm nurse gives nothing away,she says that is fine and ask...

Though we need to weep your loss, You dwell in that safe place in our hearts, Where no storm or might or pain can reach you. Your love was like the dawn Brightening over our lives Awakening beneath the dark A further adventure of colour. The sound of your voice Found for us A new music That brightened everything. Whatever you enfolded in your gaze Quickened in the joy of its being; You placed smiles like flowers On the altar of the heart. Your mind always sparkled With wonder at things. Though your days here were brief, Your spirit was live, awake, complete. We look towards each other no longer From the old distance of our names; Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath, As close to us as we are to ourselves. Though we cannot see you with outward eyes, We know our soul's gaze is upon your face, Smiling back at us from within everything To which we bring our best refinement. Let us not look for you only in memory, Where we would grow lonely without you. You would want us to find y...

hello blog, I feel much happier and calmer today. It is a mystery, this journey.  Sandra has asked us to send our ideas for "the book of remembrance for mum and dad" I like something simple. In loving memory " has such power and meaning when it is your own people "ain folk" I don't feel strongly about it though.I have my own place to be with them and am unlikely to go to the crematorium on the anniversaries to see the entries. I like to go to the graveyard where mum's ashes are buried when I am in Glasgow ( and a few of dad's too thanks to Sandra) and I have the five trees in Sefton Park. I am looking forward to it being done as I think it is the very last thing to be completed ( famous last words) Some day I would like to go with Andrew and Philip to New Cumnock and Galston Cemeteries to let them see where their Papa wanted to be, but also to see their Great Great Grand Parents graves. I would like to go with them to Lambhill too to see...

I have been hoping to understand Gibran's words on love for years and years.           Each time I read this (below) I understand a bit more, maybe because I have more of life experience under   my   belt ,that I understand it at another level Today in the sharpness of my grieving for my dad ,my mum my family as they once were. I experienced the sheer physical pain that love is. The joy the laughter the good bits I know about, I forget the pain that goes with it. Gibran captures it well in his lines. I suppose this is why sometimes, some of us,  avoid giving ourselves  completely ,opening up our heart willingly,loving unconditionally,who can blame us? pain is the opposite side of the coin of joy? If I take stock ,it is the people I love most, the people who bring me great joy, that have the power to cause me great pain,wittingly or un-wittlingly. Tis the price we pay for love-and in the end all that matters is that we ...

This weekend would normally be a weekend of celebrations for the Collins family with dad's birthday on April 15th and mum and dad's wedding anniversary on April 16th. I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat.I feel sad angry tired all at once. I have cold sores I and am sneezing, Apart from that I am having a good weekend :-) I just have to laugh.

"There must be some things a hot bath cannot cure,but so far I can't think of any" Sylvia Plath I thought about it this morning when I was lying in the bath in Castlenel listening to the music of Vivaldi floating up the stairs.John was out and I had the place all to myself for the first time since we arrived. Bliss. I took the time to reflect on the last week with my sisters. I feel so shattered physically , we had such a stressful time getting here .I wanted Sandra especially to rest at all costs and she did.I made sure she was looked after and did as little as possible. We did a lot of things together and it was good. I feel quite emotional since they left ,partly because it was lovely to be together ,but mostly because we talked a lot about mum and dad and that stirs up old feelings. It has always been hard to really admit that mum did not like me very much, I think she loved me,because I cannot imagine a mum not loving her children) but she found me hard to t...

April 4th new layout on blog .  It will take me a while to get used to it but in the end it will probably be OK. I am supposed to be in Castlenel,Castalla today. Due  to the French air traffic controllers strike we have been delayed for two days. I don't like this limbo time we had to come back after leaving the house for six week, saying goodbye to the neighbours. We did not even have a pint of milk in the house. We had to sit on the plane for two and a half hours before we were told it was not going and the flight had been cancelled. It was very hard on the people who had travelled a long way to come to the airport and the people with children and specially hard on the people who were only going away for five days to be told there were no flights till Thursday and Friday. We came home dropped our cases and went out for a meal. Now I just want to go , we caught up some with sleep although I am still very tired,and I finished all the blue that I had left on Andrew...