A Continuation of Reflections

I was supposed to be going to the Adlerian meeting this week at Anita's and the craft fair at Oxton. I did not have the energy,last weekend took up a lot of my energy. I ran a workshop on Saturday and got wonderful feeback from all the students.That is always a good feeling.Inner Child is a favourite of mine. Philip came that night and cooked a lovely fresh colourful meal for us.It was good to see him and have time to catch up with all the his news. We had a Black and White movie afternoon with Andrew and Lucy on Sunday. Manhatten.It was great I enjoyed it even more this time round. Lovely to spend a cosy afternoon with A&L! Missing dad,want to tell him what is happening with the boys, just day to day things about life.I wonder if he is out in the Universe somewhere watching over us.Some of my Irish Catholic friends said when dad died,"another angel to watch over you" it is what they say,it is nice.Wish I thought it was true.My Jewish friends say "I wish you a lo...

Today I wakened up feeling peaceful.That was a good feeling. The sadness comes in waves.Today I was aware of a sense of relief,I did not have to worry about dad,no sending texts and holding my breath till one came back.No dreading the end the doctor promised for pa. Dad had his dignity right to the end.It meant the world to him and to us. We all sense that his last week back home in Kintillo was a happy week............................. We had a night out with Andrew and Lucy on Wednesday,I had booked seats for A Christmas Carol at the Anglican Cathedral. I thought it would be a lovley start to Christmas,in that beautfiul space and see Charles Dicken's wondeful Christmas story acted out. Unfortunately it was a pantomime,and fine for 10 year olds,I knew quite quickly that we would not enjoy it so I asked John to slip out to see if the doors were opened,they were and we all left ,and many followed us. It was lovely ,we all had a good laugh ,we went to the Phil for a drink and had a g...

I gave my Artist's Way group an exercise on Monday night. I gave each person a piece of paper with one sentence written on it, and asked them to continue on writing, a short story a poem or a memory. There were a few pieces of parper left in the box ,as the students got on with their task,I picked out one for myself. The line was " It is my favourite place because....this is what I wrote. It is my favourite place because it is steeped in memories of my dad. We scattered his ashes there last weekend,at the edge of the loch, below the deep blue mountains as the sun was going down. I thought of what is said on Armistice day...... something like " At the end of the day, as the sun goes down,we will remember them" That day was filled with love for dad, and a growing love for each other. The five of us went,with dad,on our last journey with him,to say our last farewell. " at the end of the day,when the sun goes down, I will remember you dear beloved pa! This was writ...

Today I felt unbearable sad,hear some beautiful poems on Radio 4 ,one read by dear Ellie. I was hoping to go to the Anglican Cathedral for the 10.30 service but I was unprepared for how bad I would feel today.My sorrow runs very deep. Jenny has been in touch to say they are all getting ready for John's Lightbody family party.I am so glad and so grateful to them. I love this Lightbody family especially Jenny Robert and David. Next week we go to Glasgow for the party on Friday night and the scattering of dad's ashes on Saturday morning.I am sure that by then I will have found my inner strength by then, I hoped to be with dad at Christmas this year. I have managed to get some shopping done for Christmas but not able to think about what to do on the day. Christmas eve is normally my favourite day of the year,not sure how it will be this year. I will of course, go through the motions and hope to get intouch with some of the joy and some of the hope. I feel like a knotless thread,a f...

 

 

 

 

 

 

We picked up some goodies from Matta's and some wine and headed to Chester,we had a lovely warm welcome from S&M. Great meal,beetroot pate,baked trout,sliced potatoes in herbs and cider-,warm spinich salad,and hot stuffed tomatoes,followed by Apple Crumble,washed dowm with lovely cold white wine.Caught up with all the news,John told the story of the Lightbody clock and great fun was had by all. I did not talk about dad ,this was a night for John. n the morning we all went to the river Dee and watched the rowers in the beautiful November sunshine while drinking coffee. Alice joined us ( Sue's mum ) and we had breakfast in the Blue Moon Cafe they played great 50s 60s music on a great old jukebox.Carol joined us and we met Mike briefly.I like him.We talked a bit about dad at that point and I got a bit upset,Sue and Carol lost their dad about the same time we lots mum,there was an air of sadness around us all for a little while. The Alice told a joke:-) chu chu twain!Sue droppe...

Remembering today,and all the men and woman who have died for my freedom and the great gift of living in a peaceful country for and allowing me to feel safe in my own home and my own country.In love and gratitude. I enjoyed the new poems on Radio 4 for rememberance day this afternoon.Very moving. I have done my second telephone counselling session this week, this morning. I like that I can work on the phone with people in far flung places.Today Irelend earlier this week Cheshire. Pleased to be getting my standing orders sorted out :-) and my paperwork in order. Tonight we are having a birthday dinner for John in Chester,with Sue and Margaret. This is the first celebration that I don't have to organise or help out with. Happy to sit and relax and drink some wine. We will get the 6 o'clock train from Central.This will give us time to get some goodies in Matta's to take with us! I have squeesed another person onto my last two workshops this year.I had already announced on face...

I started shoppinng online for Christmas.Such a great invention online shopping. We are going to Glasgow next week,then Spain on November 29th.I need to have it all done by then,I think.I want to celebrate Christmas in a small way at least. I have booked tickets for A Christmas Carol for 23rd November ,for us and Andrew and Lucy. It is on at The Anglican Cathedral, a wonderful space for it. I saw some lovely Christmas tree decorations on Past Times website,I will go in tomorrow to see how they look in real life. I may get some as Christmas gifts. I had a wonderful massage from Beth this morning,boy did I need it.I feel a great benefit from it. I will make sure I will have one every three weeks starting in January.I have more time for myself now that I don't have to travel so often to Glasgow.(sad but true)I am going to get my craft box out today and start making some Christmas cards. I will make a few Christmas Cakes over the weekend. M. received her litte worry doll yesterday and ...

 

 

 

 

Last night we had week three, of this years Artist's Way course.I am stunned by the courage and vulnerability of people. And moved by the hopes and dreams they share with me. I am still receiving lovely messages of support and love from family and friends.It helps a lot. I have been reflecting on grieving . I believe it is a unique journey for each soul. I wonder if we are helped by being surrounded by the love support of good friends and if having useful things to do, helps in some way. I can imagine that my grief for my father would be much more constant if I did not have good friends, loving family ,stimulating work and hobbies that I can still enjoy.I think if I lived an isolated life with few friends and family, maybe no work,no interests or no money pursue my interests that my grief would dominate and might even be prolonged. I will always love and miss my dad and when I bump into my grief it is deep profound and heartfelt. I can't imagine how terrible it would be with no...

I had a walk in the park on November 6th and saw people having picnics.The weather was so beautiful and the colours so intense.I was moved to tears. I took pictures all the way and put a set on flick'r called A Walk in the Park. We went to the All souls service at the anglican Cathedral it was truely wonderful,the choir the organ and the readings.The Dean who is standing in till the new one arrives is a delightful man. Warm friendly and fatherly.At the end of the service ,all of us who had a loved ones they wanted to remember, were given nightlights and we all left them on the alter ,it was a beautiful touching experience. Phil sent me a photo today of my father at the Falkirk wheel.It is a wonderful picture ,he look so real so alive so happy. Where is that life that vital spark? We heard today that we can't officially scatter dad's ashes on his Grandmother's graves. We are going to have to be creative about this. Kev's daughter has had a daughter,happy days a new l...

Last night was wonderful,we had more friends here to share in the celebrations.I asked people not to bring presents,maybe bring a poem or something they had created. John received,lovley art, cakes baloons, home made chutney ,jam, and home made apple juice ,along with great cards.Thoughtful bought ones and hand made too. This party was made of of new friend swho were students on out Artist's Way course.We heard how they were continuing along the creative path and we were touched to have been in at the start of their journey. Then John told a bit of the story of his journey to finishing his book and how he came to get the Lightbody clock.They were a great audience really appreciated John's work and were very encouraging. We were both shattered today ,luckily we had no plans. I managed to get a massage at Niche,the restful perfume scented room and the care of the therapist helped me relaxa nd I felt very sad and tearful,and that was ok. i came home and slept for about two hours.T...

Been very busy with work this week.It has been good to have a focus. The weather has been just beautiful and John and I have been out in the park having toasties and we went to see The Help at Fact. I loved it ,especially as it was the last book dad suggested I read. I am using morning pages to write to dad when I feel I want to tell him something.I can't stop telling him about my life and what the family are all up to so suddenly.It will take time. I spoke to a woman who's father died years ago and she said she still has conversations whith him. I am glad ,it is not madness it is a way of comforting yourself.All kinds of things take me to my sense of loss:music ,even music that is not connected to dad in any way,nature,a passing converstaion,almost anything is dangerous,can start me off. Other days I am going around feeling in charge in control on top of this.I feel for Sandra and Matthew they have all the legal stuff to do. Dad's roof has a tiny leak and a roofer has to b...