A Continuation of Reflections

Christmas 2013 When the night is darkest and cold,  May a bright star reveal itself to you. May the star descend to Earth and May it touch the place in you that fears, or shrinks in shame. May it remind you of your own star nature.  May you open your hands, your heart, to welcome it in. May the star of love and hope be born anew within you and May it shine in your thinking, words and actions in the year to come. Ruth Marshall's Christmas poem.

We went to FACT today while Lynn cleaned the apartment , we just had coffee as we did not feel hungry. We had a deep conversation, John telling me how much he is enjoying this Christmas as it is likely to be his last one. It is what most of us are thinking, hearing John saying it out loud, went right through me.I was very tearful. We have not had a deep and meaningful for a while and as time goes on you put it to the back of your mind. It was ok though, and we went on to talk about our good fortune our sense of gratitude to have had the time we have had together, for our amazing children, their partners and the grand children.For La Comparsa, and our Scottish heritage, and other things too. I wondered if John had thought about what happens after you die, we have had this conversation many times over the years. In the end we both agreed no one knows ,but it is good to move towards the end of life with an opened mind ,a sense of curiosity.Why not? this attitude of curiosity keeps...

I really enjoyed Christmas Day this year. As ever this last few months there is a thought ,will this be the last one with John, but then I try to stay in the now, enjoy the moment. John ran the quiz and enjoyed the food and wine, as we all did. The presents were all great, it always amazes me that we get so many thoughtful gifts. I think the gifts that I enjoyed  giving and seeing being received ,was the boxes I gave the boys, a little bit of their history in letters and cards that they had sent me over the years,and the old photo's. I was touched by that. Phil was touched by the pictures I gave him, some pictures of him with his dad and Robin, and his mum as May Queen. After they all left, John went straight to bed, I cleared away the debris, washed up had a shower and into nightie and dressing gown. Bliss. John stayed in bed, had supper in bed, he was very tired after the days events. I watched a movie and was in bed by 9.30. It was a good day and a long day. I admit...

And so this is Christmas, and what have we done. A lot to be honest. I have done all the shopping, all the wrapping, made all the cards and posted them, made cakes and biscuits, organised nights out, lunches, friends coming in for cakes and poems. I have enjoyed every minute. We have had to endure  , hospital visits, nurses coming and going, carers coming and going and confusion over medication for John,but we have risen about it all. The festive spirit ,the spirit of love has won the day. We had a great day with Penny Kate, Johnny and Martha, we had a lovely festive family day. I hear that the advent calendars are a big success, they have kept the children amused and interested all through advent. The adults and joining in the fun too.I love to think they will be part of the children's lives from now on. I love the traditions, so it is lovely to be starting one for two generations down from me. We had an evening with Andrew and Lucy under the tree, it was very ...

Joy and Sadness We had a lovely start to the day, no carers came in at our request, what bliss to have tea in bed! I picked out a small tree yesterday, small because I have to do it all myself this year and I was not sure I could manage a really big one. Almost £40 for a tree these days with £5 delivery, but it is worth it for me. I love the real tree and I love our traditions. We usually pick out the tree together, I felt a bit sad going off on my own to choose one. John had great confidence that I would get the right one. In fact we always fall in love with whatever tree we bring into the house.It is such a presence like a "being" in our midst. Last night I went out with Lucy to The Philharmonic Hall to see Winter Wonderland, it was such a treat, the concert and being out with Lucy. I feel very lucky that we get on together, so many people find " the in laws" such a trial. We started at Leaf and had food and wine and a good catch up, the place was buzz...

Today we had a visit from the district nurse, she came in while I was on the phone. She took John's blood pressure and said it was dangerously high. She hardly spoke to me, she stayed for a while ringing a few people,I felt in the way so came through to the lounge.She left without telling me what was happening. John was very worried, she told him she would ring the doctor then phone us back. Waiting was terrible. I took out the garbage washed and swept the hall floor.I was quite shook, cleaning is one of my coping strategies. Rachel came out all cheerful and asked how I was and I fell apart, she was very sweet and loving and I felt calmer to come in to see how John was faring. Finally Dr ( angel) Kate rang, wondering why she had to call, the nurse had not told her why to call us , I think that is strange. Good news is, she said ,it was a sign of John's health returning, that his BP was back to it's normal high level. I was astonished. We both felt much better, she...

John is walking around on just one walking stick. We went out to Host for dinner last night, first time since April We are going to see The Nutcracker on Thursday. I am going to The Phil with Lucy on Saturday. I am taking Andrew and Philip to see Twelve Angry Men in London on February We are having two festive afternoons  with friends during the festive season. Andrew Philip and Phil are coming in for a few hours on Christmas day. We have had amazing support from family and friends this year. Penny and Johnny are spending a day with us on December 21st. Andrew and Lucy are coming for a festive meal on December 21st in the evening. John is enjoying a good pain fee life. I enjoyed a weekend with my sisters. We have had lots of visits from John's family in Glasgow this year. We are enjoying the new technology. I spoke to susan for two hours this morning. All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well and so it is.

Yesterday Nelson Mandela died. I felt sad, the loss to the whole world is big. He was such an inspiration to so many folk worldwide ,including me. We lived with a picture of him in our kitchen at Seven Sisters in Hope Street. When we moved into Hope Street, it was filled with old furniture, one of the wardrobes had a sticker saying " free Nelson Mandela"I kept in on for many years. We were at the hospital yesterday,I do not like going to The Royal Lynda Mac Cartney cancer centre. We are always kept waiting for long periods, up to two hours, I am not all that enamoured with the staff, they can be a bit bossy and dismissive. I am used to the great care at Marie Curie for both of us. Still it has to be done. I think we will get someone else to go with John in future, then at least I can be at home feeling relaxed when he comes home instead of both of us being stressed out. John has decided not to go to London for five days in December, I am a bit disappointed as I was l...

You do not have to be good You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert,repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair,yours,and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese,high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are ,no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese,harsh and exciting over and over announcing your place in the family of things. Mary Oliver.