A Continuation of Reflections

Since the clocks went forward last weekend, I have felt very tired. I have finished the evening classes,the Saturday workshops,and my trips to Chester. Just have to get to Friday to finish work altogether. Clients and Chester till mid-May and classes until autumn. I have pushed myself to do all I had to do at work since dad's death on October 5th. We all have. So we are just about at the six month marker of dad's death. I had a very clear imagine the other day...a rowing boat was tied up on a river by a low stone wall. The rowing boat was painted very bright colours.Red and Blue. I saw the boat's chain link attachment to the wall... fall away. The boat did not go anywhere,but it was not tied up anymore.It sat quietly by the wall.The river leads to the sea , now there are possibilities for the bright little rowing boat. I feel the image was letting me know I had let something go , and there are possibilities soon,but not yet. So this is the image, six months after the deat...

     

 

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. The Collins Clan no longer have anything to do with 36 Kintillo Drive. Matthew drove past this morning,he saw a teddy bear in the window. A new family start their life in Kintillo Drive; the wheel of life goes round. May they be as happy as we were ,blessings and good luck.

I took John to the five trees today to see where I have put dad's ashes. He was quite touched. It looks beautiful the daffodils are out ,as is the forsythia and some of the trees are showing signs of life. Dad would love that spot. Sandra is so so tired and has been to get a tonic and got good advice from the chemist. She has finished Jury duty,was never called. The new people move in on 22ND inshalla,and we still do not have the confirmation for mum's estate. We are sailing pretty close to the wind,but Marie Scanlon the lawyer seems confident that it will all happen in good time.We are in her hands. No wonder Sandra's hair is falling out and her nails are splitting.Just want to get her to Castlenel and let her rest relax ,eat well and drink some nice wine. When went to New Cumnock to scatter dad's ashes we remembered Baby Daniel Collins, dad's younger brother who died at birth.We decided we wanted to put a plaque at the cemetery . I mentioned it to Sandra today and...

 

Can't believe how tired I feel. I know grief can be exhausting but this is something else. I have had so much rest and sleep but I waken up as tired as I went to bed. I have enjoyed my time alone in Liverpool while John enjoys London. I went to the five trees, and dad's tree is surrounded by beautiful daffodils,it made me weep. I tried talking to dad which usually helps calm me,but this time I felt sad on my whole walk round the park. I think I am in a state of apathy. I feel great concern for Sandra ,she is as tired as I am ,if not more ,and she works full time with small children and has all this legal stuff to deal with. More problems came up on Friday and S&M have been busy coping with them. I almost jumped on the train to Glasgow but firstly what can I do and secondly I do not have a place to stay anymore, not like Kintillo, where I arrived and took over the running of things and looked after Pa. Now I have to be a visitor in one of the siblings house.More things to ad...

John is going to London this weekend. I am looking forward to having some time to myself. I have been so tired since I came back from Glasgow. Been busy at work . I gave my Artist's Way group a surprise this week.Su Grainger came along to lead them in singing for an hour. It was amazing to see the progress in just one hour.I checked out with each member how they felt once Su had introduced her self and said why she as here. Every person used words like anxious,fear,wanting to run. After one hour with Su,the words changed to ,high,happy excited. Two people signed up for Su's choir. I felt so happy for everyone especially K who always wanted to do this but could not find the courage. I feel happy as we come to the end of the course that I have found a challenge for each person and in the safe atmosphere here at the toolbox people have found the courage to rise to the challenges. I met a new client in Chester she was amazing,78 years old, and although she has so much to deal with...

My heart is sore (" sair " as grand- da would say) I can hardly bear the sadness I feel. I left dad's house for the last time on Saturday March 3rd 2012. 45 years and two months after we moved in. And almost exactly 2 years since mum fell down the stairs and the decline started. I travelled to Glasgow on Friday 2 nd . Jackie met me at Glasgow Central,we went to pick up some wine for S&H then she drove us to Bill and Irene's house. Irene made us tea then Bill came in. We chatted for a while then we all went into the garden and we saw the fence Bill had put up ( for dad) it looks great the new people are very fortunate,he has even put a gate in the fence like the one on the fence at his side of the garden,so that the window cleaner does not have to jump over it. Then he discreetly opened the back door and left us to it.I started to cry as soon I went into the hall.It is so empty, no coats no hall table no pictures. In the lounge Dad's chair is gone.Jackie and...