A Continuation of Reflections

I have been working today and I feel physically and emotionally better now. I had a tummy bug in the night and it was very draining. John has gone to London and Cambridge till Friday and I am having a week to myself ( just seeing a few people this week) Sandra and I are in constant contact, talking about wedding plans.It is fun. We both hope to be lighthearted on the wedding weekend. I am happy to have been able to pay for hotel and travel to Glasgow for the kids. I am a bit bewildered by having this money,although the bulk of it has not even cleared yet. I feel a bit worried about the responsibility,will I spend it wisely? will I save most of it and keep adding to the savings. I would like to have a good amount when I am 70. I think by then I may want to stop Counselling. I would like to do a tour of Scotland with John, maybe spring or autumn 2013. I promised Andrew Lucy and Philip I would give them a night in Inveraray at some point. And of course my IPAD ,Kindle? iphone? and ...

I was so happy and optimistic yesterday, today John sent me a text from the train saying " ta muchly" it broke my heart, dad always said "ta muchly".  I found some emails from dad and for the first time read one of them.  Bloody hell, fuck and shit. I feel very upset today. ( excuse my language,but it actually helps to curse.)

I am feeling much better these days more optimistic. I believe the long break from work helped me a lot. I also think seven months passing helps too. I have seen much more of the children recently and this has been good for me. I wonder sometimes if they have rallied around me more because of all the heartache or if it is is just how it is. Either way I am grateful. I noticed Penny Johnny and David have all rallied round Maureen and Mike. It must be very reassuring for them to have that support. I have not felt able to go to visit Cambridge and London lately. I have just begun to feel lighter and more optimistic and truth be told I could not face another serious illness I was a bit too fragile myself. Now I feel able to go I am stronger. I am looking forward to many things this year and I am enjoying "the moment". Jackie and Geoff's wedding, and seeing all the family, it will be a happy weekend. My week alone in Castlenel, that started out to be a "needs...

     

We had a lovely, if tiring, weekend in Salford and Manchester to celebrate Philip's 37th birthday. I think this was the first time we were all together and we did not talk about dad. Philip did show me the card his cheque came in and that was lovely. I am back at work and enjoying it although I find it much more tiring. I think it will take a while to get up to speed again after a six week break. The cheque in Santander cleared yesterday and today I paid off all our debt to Phil and that felt so good. In the autumn we will get Seoidin finished for John and that will be great. I have lots of ideas for Castlenel,small things that will make a difference to our lives there ,and ease the amount of work before and after renting. I have some suggestions to ease and share the work of the M&C in September too. The other cheque has arrived in Ennis but will not be cleared for up to two weeks. Connie,a great woman in the bank, will terminate a loan I have there, and send a cheq...

I had my first walk in the park since I came back for the holidays. I am impressed with the beauty of the trees and flower beds. Very exciting ,the two swans that I said goodbye to in April are now parents. I saw two tiny cygnets when I first arrived. I think they may just be days old.As I was watching the family scene a man on the opposite bank jumped over the fence,he had something in his hand but I could not quite make out what it was. The dad swan raised out of the water and flapped his immense wings at the man, then much to my amazement the man deposited a third cygnet into the water.It must have wandered away. The dad swan calmed down and the two swans glided away with all three cygnets.I felt uplifted by the whole experience. I walked up to the five trees and was startled by the changes in that space since I left. The daffodils are long gone, but still rotting down, and all the trees are in beautiful bloom. I had a long chat with dad,it felt good to be back there close to whe...

The two cheques came today,thanks ma and pa,wish you would come back so I can give you a hug and say thank you .Thanks a million XXX

I hardly slept last night, missed you dad. The last few days have been busy with cleaning the whole house and laundering every sheet, pillow case ,blanket,towel in the house and doing a massive ironing. I quite enjoy running Castlenel  routinely and doing the physical work, but I really feel the pressure even more this year because the two sets of guests we have coming are complete strangers.And of course I am not getting any younger.It is like the caravan pa, you need to have a big clean in the spring when the house is opened up and a big clean in the autumn before winter sets in. I have had Frank in to help me, with the heavy lifting  we have no car now so we need Frank to get gas and run it upstairs, John can't do anything like this nowadays and in fact although I can do masses of stuff, that is beyond my capabilities, you would like him pa he is very particular and methodical . I have been getting Bodega, soon to be Seoidin, ready for Matthew and Greg, a bit early ...