A Continuation of Reflections

Darling John I am so tired, I think I have reached the apathy stage of grief, I am simply tired and my energy levels are very low. I made arrangements to see people this week for coffee and lunches, assuming I would have recovered from the busyness of the festive season, but I look at my diary for this week and my heart sinks, I have arranged to see Beth and Jenny, who I  have just cancelled, for today. Patsy Kev, Andrea, Philip C...I am hoping lying low today will allow me to see all the above. David is so encouraging about me going to HK but really the idea makes my shoulders droop.I must be tired, I would normally love the idea of travelling and seeing folk, especially David. Philip MAY be coming home in May, just maybe, if that happens,I will definitely stay put. I just need a year of normality and peace, the last few years were very hard when mum dad and then you were all ill needing attending and then all the deaths of three of the most important people in my life. ...

Darling John I feel a little stronger, less fragile, I miss you and I think of you all the time, but it is not so raw so deeply painful.I know you will be pleased about that, you did not like me to be sad...but I love you and I miss you and I had to allow myself to grieve as painful as it has been,it is my last task for you, to mourn your loss. I am having little niggley things go wrong, dishwasher been out of action since November, Hopefully it will come back on Monday inshalla! TV not been right I had a replacement free view box and now the ariel is broken and the guy said it was too dangerous for him to go up to fix it! All first world problems, but take up time to sort out.Andrew helped me apply for my new driving licence, and my first ever TV licence, it was always in your name. I love you TT

Hello darling I am only just beginning to feel a bit better this flu has hung around now for two weeks...but I think I have turned a corner. I saw Philip Cantor last week for a coffee...he is doing so well, his grief is much quieter than mine, but we are both doing the best we can to live without you and dear Anita, I really miss her now I am starting to believe that she is gone.it is so hard keeping going staying positive when I miss so many folk. The children my family and friends keep me afloat..and I enjoy living alone, I always knew I would, a new thing that I have never experienced, sixteen months now since you went to Marie Curie. If you can't be here I don't want to live with anyone else. I like my own company, I like seeing my students, clients, friends, going to Fact.Tate.Galleries and the park.I like planning my courses, reading my books, watching favourite programmes on Tv and so much love Radio 4. I like to give encouragement I am good at that and it is s...

Darling John I have lived through another New Year's Eve with out you, I had a wonderful evening with Andrew, we had some wine and nibbles here and a little catch up, then to the Philharmonic Hall to see Happy Birthday Mr Sinatra which we both really enjoyed, the orchestra were really great as was the singer (?) was too.. after the enjoyable concert we went along to The Pen Factory for drinks and nibbles, they had a live band playing , the first drinks were free,  we sat and chatted enjoyed the atmosphere and then it was 2016, we kissed and hugged and wished each other happy new year, I thought of You and Mum and Dad and Anita Gavin auntie Isa all my dear absent family and friends. We rang round some family,,,,it was really special to be with Andrew. I have a bad cold now and sore throat, and have postponed my Christmas gathering tomorrow....just not up to it..all the excitement emotion sadness joy and sorrow of this year this season has caught up with me.....I will hibernate...